Do Men or Women File For Divorce More Often?

Written By Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Divorce is a significant decision, but it’s also a common reality for many couples. While every relationship is unique, patterns emerge in who typically initiates divorce, the reasons why marriages fail, and how marriage counseling and couples coaching can help couples either resolve their issues or decide to part ways amicably.

Most Common Reasons for Divorce

While each couple’s story is unique, certain recurring themes consistently appear as the primary drivers of divorce. These issues often build up over time, gradually eroding the foundation of the marriage. Here are the most common reasons marriages end, along with explanations of why they are so detrimental:

1. Lack of Communication

Poor communication is one of the most frequently cited reasons for divorce. Couples who fail to communicate effectively often find themselves unable to express their needs, desires, or frustrations in a healthy way. This breakdown can lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation within the relationship. When partners stop actively listening to each other or avoid difficult conversations, unresolved issues tend to pile up, creating resentment and emotional distance. Over time, this disconnection can cause couples to drift apart and feel that the marriage is no longer fulfilling. Regular, open, and honest communication is critical to maintaining the emotional bond in a marriage.

2. Infidelity

Infidelity, whether emotional or physical, is a major breach of trust that can be devastating to a relationship. While some couples are able to recover from an affair, many struggle to rebuild the trust that was broken. Infidelity often signals deeper issues within the relationship, such as unmet emotional or sexual needs, and the resulting betrayal can leave lasting scars. Even with the help of marriage therapy, healing after infidelity requires both partners to commit to rebuilding trust and working through the hurt. For some couples, the pain of betrayal is too great, leading them to choose divorce as a path forward.

3. Financial Issues

Money problems are another leading cause of marital strife. Financial stress, whether due to debt, job loss, or differing spending habits, can lead to frequent conflicts. Disagreements about how to manage finances, allocate resources, or plan for the future can create tension, especially if one partner feels that the other is being irresponsible or not contributing equally. Financial strain can exacerbate existing issues, especially when partners are already struggling with communication or trust. Without a shared vision and clear financial goals, money troubles can become a persistent source of conflict, leading couples to feel incompatible or overwhelmed by their differences.

4. Loss of Intimacy

Intimacy, both emotional and physical, is crucial for maintaining a close connection in marriage. When intimacy fades, couples may begin to feel disconnected or unloved. Emotional intimacy involves sharing feelings, thoughts, and experiences, while physical intimacy includes affection, touch, and sexual connection. If one or both partners begin to withhold or lose interest in either form of intimacy, the relationship can suffer. A lack of emotional closeness often leads to feelings of rejection or inadequacy, while a decline in physical intimacy may result in feelings of neglect. When partners no longer prioritize each other’s emotional and physical needs, the relationship may begin to unravel.

5. Growing Apart

As people grow and evolve, their interests, goals, and values may shift. If couples don’t actively nurture their relationship during these changes, they risk growing apart. Sometimes, partners find that they are no longer aligned in their life trajectories, whether it’s career aspirations, lifestyle choices, or personal beliefs. When these differences become too pronounced and neither partner is willing to compromise or adapt, it can lead to a deep sense of disconnection. The initial bond that brought the couple together may weaken over time if they no longer share common goals or feel that they are growing in the same direction. This gradual drifting apart can be one of the most difficult reasons for divorce, as it may not involve clear conflicts but rather a slow erosion of the relationship’s foundation.

6. Unmet Expectations

Unrealistic or unspoken expectations can create significant tension in a marriage. Whether related to household roles, parenting, financial contributions, or career ambitions, unmet expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration. When partners have different ideas about what marriage should look like, and these expectations are not communicated openly, resentment can build. For instance, if one partner expects the other to take on the bulk of household responsibilities while also working, without an equitable division of labor, it can lead to feelings of unfairness or inequality. Over time, these unmet expectations can create a sense of dissatisfaction with the marriage.

7. Addiction or Substance Abuse

Addiction to substances like drugs or alcohol can place immense strain on a marriage. When one partner struggles with addiction, it often leads to broken promises, financial difficulties, neglect, or even abusive behavior. The partner dealing with addiction may prioritize their substance use over the well-being of the relationship, leaving their spouse feeling unsupported and unsafe. Substance abuse also tends to exacerbate other marital issues, such as communication breakdowns and financial instability. For many couples, addiction creates an unsustainable environment, making it difficult to rebuild trust or achieve long-term stability. If addiction continues without treatment, divorce can become the only option for the non-addicted partner to protect their well-being.

Each of these reasons, whether due to financial pressures, lack of intimacy, or addiction, highlights the complexity of marital issues. Many couples experience some combination of these problems, which often compound each other over time. However, it's important to note that early intervention can prevent many marriages from reaching a breaking point. Couples counseling, coaching, and open communication can help address underlying problems before they escalate, providing an opportunity to rebuild the relationship and avoid divorce. Identifying the root causes of conflict and working together to solve them is key to maintaining a strong, healthy marriage.

How Couples Counseling and Coaching Can Help

While divorce may feel inevitable for some, marriage counseling and couples coaching provide an opportunity to address relationship issues before making the final decision to separate. These therapeutic interventions give couples the tools to improve communication, rebuild trust, and assess their long-term compatibility. Here’s how counseling and coaching can help struggling couples work through their challenges:

1. Identifying Core Issues

One of the most significant benefits of marriage counseling is the ability to uncover the underlying emotional needs and insecurities that often drive conflicts. Many couples find that what they argue about on the surface—such as finances or household responsibilities—is only a symptom of deeper issues, like feeling unappreciated or disconnected. According to Gottman and Silver (1999), many marital conflicts stem from unmet emotional needs, and addressing these underlying issues can significantly improve relationship satisfaction. A skilled counselor can help couples dig beneath the surface and identify these core problems, allowing for more targeted and effective interventions.

2. Improving Communication

Poor communication is one of the most common reasons for divorce, as couples often struggle to express their needs constructively. Couples therapy offers strategies to improve communication, such as learning how to listen empathetically, express feelings without blame, and resolve conflicts without escalating. According to Bradbury and Karney (2014), enhancing communication in a marriage can help reduce the likelihood of divorce, as couples learn how to approach disagreements with more understanding and less defensiveness. Therapists can teach skills like reflective listening and “I” statements, which can help partners feel heard and understood without causing additional tension.

3. Rebuilding Trust

When trust is broken—particularly in cases of infidelity—the relationship can feel irreparably damaged. However, marriage therapy provides a structured, safe space for partners to work on rebuilding trust. Therapists often guide couples through exercises designed to increase transparency, honesty, and vulnerability, which are key to healing after betrayal (Abrahams Spring, 2012). In these sessions, both partners can express their hurt, acknowledge their role in the relationship's breakdown, and create a path forward together. Rebuilding trust is a gradual process, but with professional guidance, many couples can strengthen their emotional bond and regain a sense of security.

4. Assessing Compatibility

Sometimes, through the process of counseling, couples come to the realization that they may not be compatible in the long term. While this can be a painful discovery, it is often necessary for both individuals to move forward in a healthy, respectful way. Research by Amato and Previti (2003) highlights that couples who face chronic issues—such as differences in core values or lifestyle goals—often benefit from exploring their compatibility through counseling. By assessing their individual needs and desires, couples can decide whether staying together or separating is the best choice for their well-being. This clarity can prevent prolonged unhappiness and offer a more amicable resolution.

5. Setting Relationship Goals

Couples coaching, which is more action-oriented, focuses on helping partners set specific goals for improving their relationship. Whether it’s learning to divide household responsibilities more fairly, improving emotional intimacy, or managing parenting challenges, coaching provides couples with a roadmap for success. According to Larson and Holman (1994), setting clear, actionable goals can help couples focus on tangible changes that foster healthier relationships. Coaches work collaboratively with couples to ensure that each partner’s needs are being met and that both are actively working toward a shared vision for their relationship. This forward-thinking approach helps couples stay on track and continuously improve their dynamic.

6. Strengthening Commitment

Beyond solving problems, counseling and coaching can also help couples renew their commitment to each other. Through the process of therapy, partners often rediscover what initially brought them together, creating opportunities to rekindle emotional and physical intimacy. As Gottman (1999) notes, maintaining a sense of shared purpose and commitment is key to long-lasting relationships. By strengthening this bond, couples can approach future challenges with greater resilience, knowing they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

Marriage counseling and couples coaching offer invaluable tools for couples facing relationship difficulties. Whether it’s rebuilding trust after infidelity, improving communication, or reassessing compatibility, these approaches can help couples work through their issues before they reach a point of no return. By seeking professional support, couples can not only save their marriage but also create a stronger, more fulfilling partnership moving forward.

Catching Problems Early and Making Important Decisions

It’s much easier to address problems early in a relationship than after years of frustration have built up. If you’re noticing red flags in your relationship, it’s important to first decide if you want to move forward with this person. Ask yourself:

  • Do we share the same values?

  • Are we both willing to put in the effort to improve communication and connection?

  • Can I see a future with this person after addressing these issues?

If, after reflection, you realize that you and your partner aren’t a good fit, it’s okay to walk away early. However, if you want to stay and work things out, it’s essential to address these problems sooner rather than later. Unresolved issues only tend to worsen over time, and without action, they can lead to resentment or even divorce down the line.

Even in the Happiest Relationships, People Get Tired

Even in the most fulfilling and happiest relationships, it’s perfectly normal for partners to feel tired or irritated with one another from time to time. This fatigue doesn’t signal the end of the relationship, nor does it mean that something is fundamentally wrong. Relationship fatigue often stems from the routine nature of long-term partnerships, the stress of daily life, or simply the fact that two people spending significant time together are bound to experience tension occasionally. According to Gottman and Silver (1999), the key to longevity in relationships is not the absence of conflict or frustration, but how couples handle these inevitable moments of discontent.

Successful couples understand that occasional frustration is natural and, more importantly, temporary. They focus on the positive aspects of their relationship rather than letting fleeting irritations overshadow the bond they share. Research shows that couples who maintain a positive perspective—by remembering why they love and value each other—are more resilient in the face of challenges. Bradbury and Karney (2014) emphasize that strong relationships are characterized by a "bank" of positive interactions that outweigh negative ones, allowing couples to ride through periods of difficulty without feeling like the relationship is on shaky ground.

How Successful Couples Navigate These Moments

  1. Emphasizing Gratitude: In the midst of everyday frustrations, successful couples focus on what they appreciate about each other. Gordon et al. (2012) found that expressing gratitude helps strengthen the emotional bond between partners and promotes long-term relationship satisfaction. Even small gestures of appreciation can help reignite positive feelings during tough times.

  2. Understanding the Importance of Space: Sometimes, relationship fatigue stems from spending too much time together or neglecting individual interests. Couples who understand the importance of personal space and independence tend to navigate fatigue more effectively. According to Perel (2017), maintaining a balance between closeness and independence allows couples to keep the relationship fresh, as they bring new experiences and energy back to the partnership.

  3. Communicating Needs: Successful couples don't bottle up frustrations. Instead, they communicate openly about their feelings without blaming or criticizing. As Gottman (1999) notes, couples who engage in healthy conflict resolution—expressing their needs and frustrations constructively—are more likely to maintain relationship satisfaction over time. Regular check-ins about how each partner is feeling help to ensure that small irritations don’t fester into larger problems.

  4. Prioritizing Quality Time: It's easy for relationships to fall into routine, but successful couples make an effort to continue dating each other. By setting aside intentional time for fun, connection, and intimacy, partners can avoid falling into emotional stagnation. Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently prioritize quality time—whether through shared hobbies, date nights, or even just meaningful conversations—are more likely to feel satisfied and connected in their relationship.

When Temporary Frustration Becomes a Deeper Issue

While it’s natural for couples to experience frustration from time to time, it’s essential to distinguish between temporary irritations and signs of chronic dissatisfaction. Occasional fatigue in a relationship is common, but when these feelings persist over an extended period—without resolution or improvement—it may signal that deeper issues are at play. Recognizing this distinction early can help prevent long-term damage to the relationship and guide partners toward proactive solutions.

Signs That Temporary Frustration Has Turned Into a Deeper Issue

There are several signs that temporary frustration has evolved into something more serious:

  1. Persistent Emotional Distance: One of the most significant indicators of deeper issues is ongoing emotional distance. If partners start feeling disconnected from each other, emotionally or physically, and that feeling lingers despite efforts to reconnect, it may be a sign of unresolved problems. Research by Bradbury and Karney (2014)suggests that couples who fail to address emotional disconnection are more likely to experience long-term dissatisfaction and higher divorce rates.

  2. Communication Breakdowns: Frequent misunderstandings, arguments, or a lack of meaningful communication may indicate a deeper problem. When partners stop talking about their feelings or avoid discussing important issues, resentment can build, leading to chronic unhappiness. According to Gottman and Silver (1999), communication issues are a major predictor of relationship breakdown. If partners continually struggle to communicate effectively, it may be time to seek outside help.

  3. Lingering Resentment: Unresolved conflicts and unmet needs can create feelings of resentment, which, over time, can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy in a relationship. Resentment often manifests in passive-aggressive behavior, frequent irritability, or outright hostility. When feelings of resentment become pervasive, they can significantly impact the couple’s ability to work through their issues and find solutions.

  4. Decreased Intimacy: A marked decline in both emotional and physical intimacy often signals that deeper issues are present. If the emotional connection between partners begins to fade and efforts to reignite passion or affection are unsuccessful, the relationship may be in deeper trouble. Perel (2017) emphasizes the importance of maintaining both emotional and physical intimacy in long-term relationships, as a lack of either can contribute to ongoing dissatisfaction.

  5. Repetitive Arguments: If couples find themselves having the same arguments repeatedly without resolution, it’s often a sign of underlying issues that have not been addressed. Recurring conflicts about the same topics—whether it’s finances, parenting, or household responsibilities—can indicate a deeper mismatch in values or expectations.

How Marriage Counseling or Couples Coaching Can Help

When temporary frustration becomes persistent, and deeper issues arise, marriage counseling or couples coaching can be an invaluable resource. These therapeutic approaches offer couples the opportunity to work with a neutral third party to uncover the root causes of their dissatisfaction and develop strategies to address them. Here’s how these services can help:

  1. Identifying Root Causes: Many couples may not realize the full extent of what’s causing their dissatisfaction. A professional counselor can help both partners explore and articulate their feelings, uncover patterns of behavior that are contributing to the conflict, and pinpoint deeper issues such as unresolved trauma, unmet emotional needs, or unrealistic expectations. According to Johnson (2013), emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is particularly effective in helping couples identify and heal these core emotional wounds.

  2. Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy: Whether the issue stems from infidelity, emotional neglect, or other trust violations, rebuilding intimacy is crucial for long-term relationship success. Therapists work with couples to rebuild emotional and physical trust through guided exercises, open communication, and vulnerability. This process can help couples reconnect and rediscover the bond that initially brought them together.

  3. Developing Healthier Communication Patterns: Chronic dissatisfaction is often rooted in poor communication habits. Marriage counseling and coaching can help couples learn new ways to express themselves, listen actively, and resolve conflicts without escalating. Gottman’s (1999) work emphasizes the importance of "repair attempts"—small acts of communication that can diffuse conflict and maintain connection during difficult conversations. Couples can learn these techniques in counseling sessions.

  4. Providing Tools for Conflict Resolution: Therapists and coaches teach couples practical strategies for handling conflict constructively. Instead of engaging in repetitive, damaging arguments, couples learn how to approach disagreements with empathy and understanding. This shift can prevent small issues from snowballing into larger problems and reduce overall relationship stress.

  5. Assessing Compatibility and Future Goals: In some cases, persistent dissatisfaction may be due to fundamental incompatibilities between partners. While this can be a difficult realization, counseling provides a space for both partners to assess whether they still share common goals and values. If they do, they can work on aligning their paths. If not, counseling can help them part ways respectfully, minimizing long-term emotional damage.

  6. Setting Realistic Expectations: Chronic dissatisfaction often stems from unmet expectations that have never been communicated or negotiated. Larson and Holman (1994) found that unmet expectations regarding roles, responsibilities, or intimacy can lead to long-term conflict. A counselor can help couples reset their expectations, establishing a healthier, more sustainable dynamic.

When to Seek Professional Help

It’s important to recognize that waiting too long to address deeper issues can cause irreparable harm to a relationship. When emotional distance, recurring arguments, or resentment become the norm, seeking help sooner rather than later increases the likelihood of salvaging the relationship. As Gottman (1999) notes, couples often wait an average of six years before seeking counseling, which can make it more difficult to rebuild the connection. The earlier couples address these problems, the more likely they are to recover from them.

Temporary frustration is a natural part of any long-term relationship, but when it becomes persistent and unresolved, it can signal the presence of deeper issues. Emotional distance, repetitive conflicts, and loss of intimacy are all warning signs that the relationship may be in trouble. By seeking marriage counseling or couples coaching, partners can identify the root causes of their dissatisfaction, develop healthier communication patterns, and rebuild trust. Addressing these issues early on can prevent temporary frustrations from turning into chronic dissatisfaction and help couples create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Commitment and Flexibility

Finally, successful couples understand that long-term commitment is not about perfection but about adaptability. Over time, both partners will grow and change, and being flexible enough to navigate these changes together is crucial. As Gottman (1999) highlights, partners in successful relationships are willing to "accept influence" from each other and adapt to new circumstances, whether that means adjusting to changing roles in the household, evolving career goals, or shifting personal values.

Even in the best relationships, moments of fatigue and frustration are inevitable. What sets successful couples apart is their ability to embrace these challenges as part of the natural ebb and flow of a long-term partnership. By focusing on the positive aspects of their relationship, communicating openly, and continuing to nurture their connection, couples can ride out these moments and emerge stronger. A good relationship is built not on the absence of conflict but on the commitment to grow and support each other through life's ups and downs.

What Successful Couples Do Right

What sets successful couples apart from those who struggle? Here are some things they do well:

  • Prioritize Communication – They don’t shy away from difficult conversations. They make sure to check in with each other regularly and express both needs and appreciation.

  • Respect Boundaries – Healthy couples respect each other’s personal boundaries and understand the importance of independence within a relationship.

  • Maintain Emotional and Physical Intimacy – Whether through small gestures, words of affirmation, or regular physical affection, successful couples ensure that their emotional and physical connection remains strong.

  • Resolve Conflicts Constructively – They don’t let small arguments fester into larger problems. They address issues as they come up and focus on resolution, not blame.

  • Support Each Other’s Growth – Successful couples understand that each partner will grow and change over time. They make an effort to grow together and support each other’s goals and development.

Divorce is a difficult decision, and while women are more likely to file, both partners need to assess their relationship regularly. Whether it’s financial strain, loss of intimacy, or lack of communication, the reasons for divorce are complex and varied. Marriage counseling and couples coaching provide an opportunity to address these issues, whether it’s to save the relationship or to part ways on healthier terms. By catching problems early, setting clear relationship goals, and maintaining strong communication, couples can navigate challenges and build lasting partnerships.

If you’re looking for more insight, check out these reads:

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Thanks for reading my blog article! Use the search bar below to explore more posts on this topic or discover insights on other subjects that might interest you.

http://www.michelleshahbazyan.com
Next

Signs of Cheating & What to Do | Infidelity Recovery Guide